What It Is

lyrics tell it all...

2009-08-24T10:26:00.003-05:00

i have found you with joy,
and the hope that you give.
so may i wait for you, oh lord,
in the pain i feel.
help me to faithfully,
surrender everything, in prayer.
and i will live at peace,
with everything, i swear.

and i will overcome,
yes i will overcome,
jesus, hold me,
and i will not forsake,
your namesake, for a moment
jesus cover me.

well i have found you with joy,
and the hope you give,
so may i wait for you, oh lord,
in the pain i feel,
help me to faithfully,
surrender everything, in prayer,
and i will live at peace,
with everything, i swear,

and i will overcome,
yes i will overcome,
jesus, hold me,
and i will not forsake,
your namesake, for a moment,
jesus cover me.

and i will overcome, (repeat x4)
and i will overcome
all things i've done,
now that youre here.

and i will overcome,
yes i will overcome,
jesus, hold me,
and i will not forsake,
your namesake, for a moment,
jesus cover me.

cover me,
cover me.

(lyrics by leslie dudney)

khris stillman

just me and the moon...

2009-08-19T03:19:00.004-05:00

its 3:00am on another cold bitter night and the lights went out in this city hours ago. all thats left is a busy mind with a lonely heart...thoughts racing like a bad storm through my head.

what is it about this silent hour that leaves you all alone...
this still hour that awakens silent cries that reach no ear, touch no heart, and sustain no pain...to anyone but me...

im the only one listening.

am i waging war on myself? can i survive till sunrise or will i give into my heavy eyes...the black circles filled with the pitch of night...

will i succumb to the darkness of this hour?

tonight i write by the responsive touch of moonlight on my soul...together we watch the stars dance across the water and give company to the lonesome.

heres to me and the moon on another restless night.

forever dreaming.

khris stillman

love letter

2009-06-01T16:20:00.003-05:00

dear you.

your beauty is unlike that of any other. i am hugged by your presence knowing that you live in happiness. your smile wrapping its comforting arms around everyone it looks at. your heart and passion bring joy and light on life. you spread happiness and love more than you even know. here is to hoping we talk. maybe this time i can hold on. i promise i wont let go. just give me one moment of your time and you wont regret it for the rest of your life.
until that moment i wait. patiently.
im here.
for you.

khris stillman

21 years without rest...

2009-04-07T00:51:00.003-05:00

the past few days i have been so tired. felt so exhausted but gotten plenty of rest...

is it possible that for 21 years i have never actually rested...
i was weathered with questions.
lost without answers.
chasing after a hope or a dream.
and never got a chance to rest.

but now it is all here. the questions fleeting my lips. the answers whispered in my ears. and the hope and dream in my hands.

is it possible that these days i am getting the most rest i have had in years...that my body and soul and mind is actually relaxing.

that feeling of being safe.

im here.

im home.

safe.

peaceful.

resting.

khris stillman

journey of questions...

2009-04-06T23:42:00.004-05:00

ever had questions?
ever had so many questions you just dont even know where to begin?
ever been so consumed with questions that you cant even think of any to ask?

is there a wrong question to ask?
are there rules?
where do i begin?

21 years of life...of questions...searching for answers...and now i have the answers.

so where do i begin?

now begins a new journey...a journey to explore and seek. a journey that has some answers. a journey i have been waiting to take.

"god, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that can be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other." (reinhold niebuhr)

exploring. seeking.

the journey begins.

khris stillman

I FOUND HER!!!!

2009-04-05T22:16:00.003-05:00

wow... i dont even know where to begin. im still in shock and everything still feels so surreal, but its happened. just recently i found my birth mother and made contact and over the last 48 hours we have gotten to know each other and it has been amazing! the conversations are so right and everything feels so good. im just amazed at how god could orchestrate this so well. its perfect.

his timing.

his plan.

i feel as though i have been given a second wind almost with life. at times i felt like this day would never come. i felt like there was a reality to me thinking i would go my whole life without knowing. but god had something else in store for me and for her.
i would like to introduce everyone to jenifer joy alimena (aka. mom) these next few posts will be introducing you to her and what she is like. i want everyone to get to know her. cant stop thanking god for being so faithful!

god is good. life is sweet.
live every moment and dont miss a single opportunity.
and never give up. never.
fight and realize that what you are fighting for is much more real than you could ever imagine.
fight long and fight hard.
endure pain and endure struggle.
god will allow you to get hurt, but he will never allow you to be harmed.
trust.
love.
embrace.
seek.

khris stillman

and so it begins...

2009-01-22T15:33:00.003-06:00

what is this thing again?

i don't even want to think about the last time i posted a blog...wow. its safe to say i forgot what this means.

christmas break is coming to a close for me, i head back to lindenwood next monday. man how the time flew...its only been like seven weeks...haha.

it was a much needed seven weeks though. i was way overwhelmed with everything going on. i had attempted way to many classes, got myself into a bind with grades and worked myself too much trying to please too many people. i was slowly drowning...break came and i was able to regain focus on the things i love to do and able to do them well. now i have had my time to gather myself and school is about to start up and if im not careful i can easily fall right back in. this first month back is going to be CRAZY... lots going on... dont even know where to begin.

the key is to stay organized, keep focused and manage myself and my decisons well. if i fail at any of those...ive lost control.

so begins another semester.
so begins another opportunity.
so begins another trek in my journey.

how will it be spent.

khris stillman

I'm starting to believe...

2008-10-03T16:47:00.001-05:00

Today I am starting to believe. I’m starting to see what was carved out for me. The journey the purpose, I begin to see. I am lost no more because I am searching for what God has up his sleeve. What once was confusion is nothing more to me and in what once was seclusion is no longer where you will find me. I have started to enjoy the simple pace of my own feet, the natural posture of me. The moment I love most is today, not yesterday not tomorrow but today. I am starting to believe in the tale I told in my own dreams. I’m staring to believe I can create in this journey placed before me. I’m starting to believe that there is more to me, and beginning to explore the depths of my creativity. I no longer will cry for attention on me but rather bathe in his intimacy. The simple love that holds me. That folds me. The love that sheds hope for me. This love is what sets me free. Can you feel it? Are you with me or are you hiding behind a tree? Are you hiding from what will complete you and me. Don’t get separated from the community, don’t miss out on the opportunity. Don’t over see the possibility. Today I invite you to believe what I can see.

khris stillman

who are you?

2008-09-27T14:26:00.001-05:00

Are you lost and confused, feeling mixed and used, trying to climb but missing the views. Can you see who you are, or have you gone too far? Do you see through your eyes or do you feel lost in disguise? Sometimes we can’t see through the lyrics of our lives, like were staring upward with our eyes and all we see is the sun. Blinding tears flow, where am I now, where do I go. What’s my next step, am I ever gonna know. I just want to turn and run. I want to run far, I want to run hard and I want to rise above. I want to run away and let safety catch me in its glove. Run to the reminders of life and the reminders of love. Sometimes we all need a reminder, sometimes maybe just one, because there’s truth when I say, we can’t be everything to everyone.

khris stillman

these are the moments we regret...

2008-09-10T09:19:00.003-05:00

you ever wish you could take something back?

something you did..something you gave…something you said.

ever had a moment like that?

what did you do? how did you respond?

sometimes these are the times that will make or break you. sometimes these are the moments that you will be remembered for. how does that affect you? do you want the next thing you say to be someones lasting memory of you? if not should you be saying it?

can just an instance change someones feelings about you? how they look at you...whether they even look at you again...

can you lose a relationship over your ignorance?

can you lose someone you care about?

did you?

how do you make people feel?

khris stillman

from dreams to nightmares...

2008-08-10T17:16:00.002-05:00

how can one pursue a passion at the core of who they are, something they have aimed to chase all their life, when as they move in their first steps towards progress something intervenes...building a wall of hesitation. a wall of reservation. of doubt. of disbelief. this something shuts down all options. this something closes the brain tank of creativity. it shrinks the dream, reducing it from god sized to not worthy.

how can one push through this something that is crushing all hopes?

at what point does this something give up? will it ever? will you?

i have goals. i have pursuits to go after. i have dreams. but there is that something in my way. there is that something that holds me back from my potential. there is something that turns my dreams into nightmares. that something that makes my final decision and chooses my fate. it chooses what i pursue and to what depth. its that something that reduces my god sized dreams to tiny.

how do i push through?

how do i pursue my passions?

how do i pursue what is at the core of who i am?

khris stillman

successful motivation...

2008-08-07T22:11:00.004-05:00

when you are around successful people doesnt it just encourage you to be successful. dont you just want to be a healthier you and try harder to improve. there is this stigma around a successful people that keeps you motivated. that pushes you towards excellence in yourself.

what motivates you?

what excites you?

what is it that pushes you to develop?

for me it is being around successful people. being around people who know what they were made to do and are pursing that dream. when i am around people who are good at what they do, i am motivated to find my nitch...to discover what i was made to do.

discover what motivates you...

pursue what you were created to do...

live with passion...

purpose...

khris stillman

who not you...

2008-08-05T20:44:00.005-05:00

who is struggling?

who has been hurting more these past few weeks than they have in a while?

who feels like they need some grace thrown their way?

who could use a hug? or a smile? or even a thought?

if you answered 'me' to any of those questions, you have missed it...completely. this was a survey of who you know in your life that is going through these times. is it maybe that we become so focused on ourselves and our own troubles that we forget about everyone else. that we forget about living from the inside out and start living from the outside in. if only i could get a hug. or if only god would show me some grace. or man i gotta tell you, i have really been struggling lately...

what about the person in the same aisle as you in the store today that you pretended wasnt there..as if they are less human than you. what about the person that you saw with the broke down car on the side of the road, or what about the person who just simply needed a ride because they dont have a car.

or what about your best friend? or someone you claim to care about...what about them.

did you even think about just saying a prayer for them?

i challenge you to stop draining time on your own struggles and lift a hand, a thought, a prayer out to the people around you who are struggling. be aware. dont miss this opportunity. dont miss this chance to love. to add value. to forget about yourself for a moment and notice this great big world around us, this beautiful day before us and the faces that could use a smile.

did you make someone smile today? did you pick someone up off the ground when they fell and scraped their knees today? did you hold them till they stopped crying? did you clean their wounds? did you hug their soul? or did you just walk around them...

let me ask you again...

who is struggling?

who needs a hug?

who needs love?

be the hope.

khris stillman

were you you...

2008-08-04T21:45:00.004-05:00

were you you?

when your best friend turned their back on you...who were you?

were you you?

when the news came crashing down on you, destroying your dreams, leaving you like a newborn without a hope...who were you?

were you you?

when you couldnt fathom crawling out of bed, because it felt like just one more day lost in the mix...who were you?

were you you?

when you realized that this moment right here was reality and held your destiny...who were you?

were you you?

when the one person you poured into the most, and loved, and fought for, continued to fail you...who were you?

were you you?

when the one person you loved left your side...who were you?

can you say that you were you?

how will you respond when the storms of life come trampling down on you like a train in route leaving you pale as death...

but more importantly who will you be able to say you were...

you?

khris stillman

loving people when "you cant"...

2008-07-31T14:02:00.003-05:00

just got off the phone with a friend and im hurting. im hurting for their pain. im hurting because they hurt. their is so much pain out there and i would be ignorant to say it happens, here is what you need to do and send them on their way..oh and by the way i will pray for you.

how many times have you heard that?

how many times have you done that?

what is intriguing about this life is what we are called to and the people we are called to be. what is it going to take for you to sacrifice more than you can handle. because i guarantee you in that moment when you feel like you cant handle taking this on, but because you love this person and because you care about their success and well being you decide to fight along side of them, god will give you the strength you need. god will give you the strength to push for them.

when are we going to start living like a family?

we are all in this together. when are you going to drop your agenda to fight for someone else who is struggling? when are you going to answer the phone in the middle of your friends night or favorite movie or when youre in over your head in work because someone is hurting? when will we put down the thing we care about most to be there for the one person we should care about most? when will youre well being be put aside for the health of someone else?

how big was jesus's sacrifice to you?

were you blessed?

its time to bless others.

its time to love.

lean into people with love.

khris stillman

yours alone to feel...

2008-07-31T10:34:00.003-05:00

how will you view the pain?

will you lean into it or will it squeeze you dry?

because if you choose to avoid it, you will suffer and the bleeding won't stop..

feel what it yours alone to feel. seek it out. claim it. feel it. lean into it.

how big is god to you?

is he big enough to cover your pain?

what will you do with the pain?

khris stillman

how do you view suffering...

2008-07-25T13:27:00.002-05:00

there is something about pain and suffering that keeps me coming back...

i'm sitting back trying to figure out where i am going to go next week with wednesday night and i can't help but be reminded of all the struggles not only me but others are dealing with in every moment of their life. if it's not one thing it's another. just this constant bleeding.

but i realize that we need this pain because in the midst of this pain we learn a lot about ourselves and a lot about life. but only if we view it from the right perspective. the more we enter into our pain and the more we enter into our suffering and call it out...the more pure our understanding and the more clearly we see ourselves.

what will you do with the pain?

khris stillman

dont miss them...

2008-07-21T00:36:00.003-05:00

its nice to have someone to talk to that has been in your shoes and understands your feelings. someone that has sympathy and wants you to have success. it makes conversations more meaningful and it helps you to discover answers that you desire answers for. these are the people in your life you need to thank. that you need to hold on to. that you need to love. that you need to in turn be there for. these are the people in your life that god intended you to find. dont miss them.

thank you so much. if you only knew how much it means to me.

thank you.
khris stillman

unforgettable moments...

2008-07-16T23:05:00.003-05:00

today was another memorable day...unexpectedly it was after we returned from mexico when the memories were experienced.

today as we crossed the boarder to hang with the kids we spent the majority of the day playing futbol in the fields (or concrete rock lands) with them. "americanos vs. mexicans". today we just got sweaty with the kids. love. sweat. tears. smiles. life. it was an experience.

tonight was unforgettable though. tonight we had our session as usual with the students in our conference room. when we all sat down freddy asked one question. who needs prayer? every hand went up. we have students struggling..and not with just small things. not with miniature problems. with life. we have students that have never been as tired as they are now on this mission trip. but they are not missing a thing. their hearts are larger than life and absorbing every moment. so proud. so after we went around and asked people for their prayer requests and ways we could be praying for them we split for the night and this is where life began. not one single student went back to their room..they immediately started grabbing people and just spending time praying for them. praying for their struggles and the community as a whole. totally unplanned..not in the cue..but spontaneous life. love. tears. smiles. joy. after one conversation they would go and grab someone else and do the same thing...this went on for2 hours. just endless loving conversations. people making relationships right and throwing down. it was a memory and a moment i will never forget. conversations with people that you would never see talking together. i was in awe.

life to the full.

love.

khris stillman

trouble at the boarder...

2008-07-15T23:44:00.003-05:00

so we were on our way back to cross the boarder back into the states today and ran into a little issue.. it all began when we ran into some fedaralis before the border and literally (camo uniforms, ak-47, the whole deal) they made our vans pull off to the side of the road and evacuated all of them to search and make sure they were clear. meanwhile i am standing around looking at all of them all over and spot 5 snipers as well staked out a little farther out just in case things got out of hand i guess. well after a little hassel, they let us go and we loaded back up, got to the boarder and crossed. but it wasn't over...we crossed into texas and were still at the boarder patrol area in texas and they pulled all our vans over, evacuated us all again, and checked the whole vans inside and out for drugs. took all our passports and licenses and ran them all. unfortunately we found out that the copies of all the birth certificates we made are essentially useless to them. they won't accept them. they would let us go for today but if we get checked again it will be a problem.

well right there is where we run into our predicament...we still have to cross 3 more days and have no possible way to get our actual birth certificates for all the kids in time. so we need some prayer...we need to pray that we dont get stopped or checked at the border the next three days. otherwise we may run into some issues.

god do what you will.

khris stillman

mexico day 4...

2008-07-15T23:27:00.004-05:00

okay so never got around to updating yesterday because it was ridiculous. we got in late and got our rooms and kids and adults were frustrated. we HAD to be in line for breakfast at 7a the next day and ready to load our vans at 7:30a. well...at about 7:15a sonia vicars walked into our room and woke all the guys up because we were not up. leave it to the guys...girls were all ready to go and guys hadn't even begun our day. down and out...none the less it was a wonderful first day. incredible to see god's influence and power through love.

today we showed up to our churches again and to my utter amazement, there were 80 kids. unbelievable. literally made me cry to see all these kids just showing up. just to be with us. nothing else. i was blown. these kids are incredible. seriously. almost at a lost for words. we just show up and just hang with these kids. there is no agenda. just living life and showing love. hugs. tears. smiles. photos. broken people loving on each other. your heart just immediately breaks when you just see these kids lined up every morning outside by the gate just waiting for you to pull up. we were talking to one of the local residents and they were just amazed. the man said through his broken english, "these kids NEVER play together outside in the streets until you all show up."

imagine this...

we are their angels.

they can see love through us in our short time.

unreal.

after we did our church groups this morning where we hung out with the kids, we went to feed the poor. we literally bought different assortments of eggs, tortillas, rice and etc. and put togetehr bags and delivered them to the poor, the lame, the blind, the sick today. this was a sight and a scene that absolutely destroyed me. and everyone. we are talking about people who literally have nothing. not a thing. people that are dirty, smelly, blind, crazy, missing body parts, unclean broken people and we got to love on them today. you couldnt help but to just give them a huge hug and hold them for a little bit. able to put aside the smell, the dirty factor and everything and just hold these people and give them gifts. unreal experience. my life was changed by god today.

khris stillman

are we there yet...

2008-07-13T16:33:00.002-05:00

we just hit massive traffic jam in alamo, tx... no good.

oh well might as well start another movie...

oh and it is exciting to sit in the front seats because the bus driver has like these unknown relationships with all the other random bus drivers we pass and there is this "bus driver wave" that you give...so freddy and i give it every time we pass another bus now.

anyways...back to traffic.

khris stillman

mexico day 2...

2008-07-13T16:19:00.003-05:00

texas is gianormous!

it's 4:19p on sunday (day 2 of the trip) and we have had quite the eventful first two days so far.

last night was a long night, let me go ahead and let you know that sleeping on a bus...forget it. didn't end up falling asleep till around 4:00a and slept till about 9:30a when we stopped at cracker barrel in dallas, tx for some delicious southern breakfast...can't beat it. then we proceeded to get on the bus and head on toward mission, tx. well after about and hour and a half or so, we hit a bump in the road...literally. yep, thats right...flat tire on a huge bus. ridiculous. so we called for help and ended up having to sit out side with 50 students on the side of the highway in the 97 degree humid weather for an hour and a half. we made the best of it of course. and it was extremely interesting to watch them actually change this tire on the bus that is literally like almost as tall as me. crazy. we just stopped for lunch around 2p and got back on the bus at 3p. we have about 6 hours left..can't wait! i think everyone is so ready to be there. we stopped at a wal-mart in springfield, mo last night and bought like 12 movies to watch on the way down... we watched tommy boy this morning and now are currently watching stardust or something like that. never heard of it. not really interested either, it's like some fantasy deal. whatever. lets see what else has happened...ryan weiss and i have had some sik conversations, good times always. i updated a few people's ipods with some incredible music...jordan mckay and i have a new secret handshake...we always come up with them because we always forget our old ones. i think this is number like 5 or 6...no worries though.

as soon as we arrive, we unload, change and shower and then we always go to this mexican restaurant that serves up some authentic mexican food...delish! great way the celebrate making it. everyone eats like kings... so good. then it's off to crossing the boarder tomorrow morning.

keep checking for updates.

khris stillman

mexico day 1...

2008-07-12T20:03:00.003-05:00

day one underway...were on the road right now. literally. bryce has hooked up the wireless usb internet so that it is a wireless hub and now anyone can access the internet through wifi. brilliance.

so the trip begins..little bit of a rough start. four kids forgot their id's and had to run back home and grab them and we had someone decide to break a plant back at the realm by accident and cover it up with a box instead of coming and finding one of the adults. that will be a fun conversation with the kids. we are 36 miles outside of rolla (our first stop).

just from having a few conversations with a few students so far, i can tell this trip is going to be good. a lot of these kids need this. i do. freddy does. we all do. i'm looking forward to the memories to be built and the relationships to begin.

be praying.

khris stillman

is your worship pure...

2008-07-09T14:08:00.006-05:00

how do we know if our worship is pure?

well here is a question for you...who is god to you? what do you think about him?

because this is simply the starting place for worship. true authentic, intimate worship. i know lately i have been struggling to worship god on a deeper level and i stepped back and had to reevaluate my relationship with the creator. i had to ask myself...who is god to me.

ill be pretty vulnerable..as i searched myself and reflected on how i view worship and how i used to view worship, i realized, sadly, that worship used to just be an ego trip for me. meaning if i would raise my hands and close my eyes, people would notice. i would get christ points. this is heartbreaking for me to actually think i used to be like this. its not authentic. its not loving. its not adoring.

is worship just a big ego trip for you?

i recently read the story of cain and able in genesis 4, where cain kills his brother, and as i look at that story, verses 6-7 stick out so strong. cain was angry and had built up frustration and anger and disappointment in him. sin was crouching at his door and desiring him. sin was crouching at my door and it was diluting my worship. it was infecting me and it was seeping through my seems. cain's worship was not pure. my worship was not pure.

is your worship pure?

if sin is crouching at your door..tread lightly..it can take you over. you need to run to god immediately. don't stop. don't look back. run straight. run fast. run hard. run to him. he is waiting for you.

god will catch you.

are you running?

a.w. tozer says in knowledge for the holy that what we think about god is the most important detail of our existence.

who is god to you?

khris stillman

is your soul smiling...

2008-07-08T10:53:00.003-05:00

what is worship?
...the nourishment of mind with his truth.
...the purifying of imagination by his beauty.
...the opening of the heart to his love.
...surrender of will to his purpose.

i have been really captured by worship lately, and the essence of what true worship is. i have been exploring all aspects finding new definitions, just trying to wrap myself up in a lifestyle of worship. i heard a mentor say recently, to worship is to adore.

do we really know what it means to adore?

to adore is to completely take our eyes off ourselves and adore him. you see we put this title on god like he is completely ego driven because he wants us to worship him always...but we miss it. god is looking out for us, god is showing us something. he knows how we are built and he wants you to adore him so that we find peace, life, love, the true center. he knows that if we adore him, we will take our eyes off ourselves and find peace. we will find the center. we will find life.

louie giglio once said, "worship in essence is declaring what we value most, and as a result worship fuels our actions becoming the driving force for all we do."

the expression of worship is truly the smile of the soul.

is your soul smiling?

are you?

khris stillman

prayer...

2008-07-07T13:33:00.002-05:00

when you pray how often do you just stop and say...what do you want to do god?

i never used to do this until recently, i have been finding myself ask god this more and more when i pray..and i think i am beginning to understand our relationship better.

god what is it you want to do right here right now?

your will be done.

khris stillman

worshiping god is...

2008-07-07T09:42:00.002-05:00

worshiping god is...

...feeding people around you, even when they won't eat.

...treating others around you with dignity and respect.

...placing your future in god's able hands.

...trusting in jesus, in the middle of a storm.

...laying your ambitions at the foot of the cross.

...opening your hands and your heart.

...complete and total surrender.

you're invited to worship everyday. don't miss it.

khris stillman

waiting for the next step...

2008-07-06T15:16:00.002-05:00

i am at a point where i have to ask god is this a right feeling or is this my own feelings. is this something that i should be continuing to pray for or is it something that is just a distraction over all. at the end of the day it is clearly a distraction, but is it a distraction worth fighting for? i'm stuck in confusion, just waiting for the guidance. waiting for the truth. waiting for the next step.

what will it be?

what direction will this take me?

when?

khris stillman

how much more...

2008-07-05T12:27:00.002-05:00

i have never experienced a roller coaster with such great risk as this one. my feelings are so inconsistent right now. that is what is frustrating. you can only take so much fluctuation in your feelings before you can't take it anymore. the part that keeps me coming back is, just when i don't think i can take it anymore, things take a spill for the better and it keeps me fighting. it keeps me trudging through the storm.

but when will it end?

how much more can i take?

how much more will i allow myself to take?

khris stillman

pushing through the rain...

2008-07-04T03:38:00.003-05:00

i have a tough situation lately. i feel like what i am doing is right and i am more than above board in how i approach the situation, but yet it still seems to rain. then the rain will subside and there will be times when i catch a glimpse of the sun and maybe, just maybe, if i'm lucky, a rainbow. but i can never seem to absorb and capture everything in this moment because before i even have time to smile, it's raining again. and the sun ducks behind clouds and the rainbow fades like my dreams into the distance. never to be held in the same arms again, never to be loved with the same eyes again.
i have the capacity.
i have the will.
i do believe.
it can happen.

khris stillman

i've never been so alone and i've never been so alive...

2008-07-04T03:30:00.002-05:00

i knew i could never have you,
i knew that before you did,
still i'm the one who's stupid.
and theres this burning, like theres always been,
i've never been so alone, and i've never been so alive.

and theres things i'd like to do that you don't believe in,
i would like to build something, but youd never see it happen.
and theres this burning, like theres always been,
i've never been so alone, and i've never been so alive.

khris stillman

calibrate 2008...

2008-05-16T16:10:00.002-05:00

today is the first day of the calibrate conference 2008, sitting here and hearing freddy dream this up for a little over a year, it almost seems a little unreal... like this started as a thought a crazy idea and the next thing i know, i'm sitting here in the middle of a room with youth pastors from all around and listening to chris folmsbee speak to us... i'm so stoked for what god has in mind for us these next two days.

khris stillman

learning...

2008-05-01T17:43:00.002-05:00

don't miss it...

i have missed it for way too long now. it's time to take initiative. it's time to grasp life.

it's time to learn.

learning.
khris stillman

free song...

2008-05-01T14:03:00.002-05:00

if you haven't checked out the new coldplay single, it's worth taking a listen to. you can download it free on their website right now at coldplay.com... it is definitely different, its beginning to grow on me. their whole disc releases in june, hoping its pretty good. it's about time for them to release something new.

khris stillman

lost in the music...

2008-04-28T19:50:00.004-05:00

lately i have been so tangled in lyrics and have just been getting lost in songs...i have heard some songs with just incredible lyrics. so i decided i would share a few with you and you should definitely check out the songs...

and it seems like you're locked in a cage
and you need to find a way of escape
when everyone is setting the pace
its okay to run the opposite way
(leeland - opposite way)

it’s not your will for me to stay
your will for me is the opposite way

and it seemed like he was locked in a cage
and he couldn’t find away of escape
but through the cross he conquered the grave
my jesus ran the opposite way
(leeland - opposite way)

castles, they might crumble
dreams may not come true
but you are never all alone
'cause I will always
always love you

when the clouds will rage and
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms
in my arms
(plumb - in my arms)

you speak to me in falling leaves
in wind that moves through trees
and i can feel the start of you changing my heart
your love is shaking me
my heart is breaking free
(the bridge band - love)

my fall, my fall
my fall gonna break ya
my fall, my fall
my fall gonna break your wall

i'm mad, i'm mad, i'm mad
like a big dog
i'm mad, i'm mad, i'm mad
like a big dog yeah
my god, my god, my god
gave me a rod
my god, my god, my god
gave me a rod
for fishing, fishing, fishing
fishing, fishing, fishing yeah
(damien rice - me, my yoke, and i)

we’re standing still in a moment of eternity
where worlds collide and I feel the breath of heaven over me

my soul sings
my soul sings
my soul sings
how I love you
oh how I love you
(delirious - my soul sings)

come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you
tell you I need you
tell you I've set you apart

tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start
running in circles
comet tails
heads on the science apart

nobody said it was easy
it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
oh take me back to the start
(coldplay - the scientist)

khris stillman

finding the right words 2...

2008-04-27T23:43:00.002-05:00

in case you were wondering...i still am at a loss for words...but i really do not even think that explains it well...its not so much that i am at a loss, but more so, i am weary of what to say...how to say it...or even what could be the outcome, the response. the weight that would be lifted if i could just say it would be catastrophic...seriously, life changing.
but it just is not that easy...
i have to be careful not to get myself in too deep...the deeper i go the more i attract pain and hurt...love and emotion...right timing and wrong timing. it does not get easier.

but then i am reminded of the preciousness of time and how fragile it is...

i have lived life with caution always being weary and always being afraid...it has got to stop somewhere...but i just know the timing is not right.

not now...

who knows when...

hopefully soon...because i am drowning fast in a sea of emotion...and i can't get lost in the past, all amongst the commotion. i need time to breathe, time to come up for air...i need to just believe, and fight for who i care. i don't need all of this conviction, i don't need to runaway from my fears, i just need to escape the restriction...i just need to remove all these tears...
but where?
how?
when?
who will listen?
who will let me in?
who will hear my words?
and who will catch me then?
i want to express the words right now, i want to just let them all spill out...but if too soon and the timing is foul, i can just forget it all now.

khris stillman

human disaster...

2008-04-27T09:00:00.003-05:00

i've done too much and worked myself into a train wreck. i'm a disaster...

time to pull back.

time to find myself again.

time to continue my journey.

khris stillman

finding the right words...

2008-04-24T14:03:00.002-05:00

how do you say something that you want to say but cant build up enough confidence to say it?

i have had a lot on my mind lately... sometimes i wonder, if something is perpetually on my mind, like a little reminder, that maybe that is purposeful...maybe something will happen that i don't anticipate. but sometimes it feels like i need to say something, ask a question, share my heart. i genuinely feel at a loss. sometimes it is a matter of finding the right words, sometimes it is a matter of lack of confidence but every time, it is a matter of saying it. i run through this conversation in my head day after day after day, time after time again...what do i do?

do i talk or do i wait it out...

it is draining me...i have to know.

how do i say something i want to say but can't build up enough confidence to say it?

khris stillman

drowing in a riptide...

2008-04-23T14:11:00.004-05:00

you ever have one of those days where you just think...
when it seems like you have a myriad of things on your mind, yet the thoughts seem transient... i could honestly just sit back with some serene music and think all day... it feels as though my mind is stirring like a riptide, like nothing can pull me back to shore...my mind is drowning in thoughts.

today i drown in a riptide of meditation...

be.
khris stillman

abysmal thoughts...

2008-04-15T13:07:00.004-05:00

today is one of those days where i just feel as though i want to be doing so much else, yet i have no inkling of what i could be doing. i am just trying to stay constructive and beneficial and yet managed at the same time. evidently i am doing a good job...ha.
so as i sat in class today i got on one of my quote kicks and started looking up deep philosophical quotes because i love how they breadth my intellect. i love to think and explore... (okay so maybe i just like to think i am deep, i try) and well i decided i should share them with yall. we can be deep and philosophical together... i will bestow with you my outtake and you can share with me yours...

"Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not, and oftentimes we call a man cold, when he is only sad." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

you know your heart...you don't perceive your friends heart. don't deem that which you not know...be the nourishment.

love.

khris stillman

final thought before bed...

2008-04-15T01:43:00.004-05:00

his grace shows us our inadequacy. love on him tonight. lay in his arms and listen to his heartbeat...

is it in unison with yours?

i believe in you.

goodnight.
khris stillman

concert...

2008-04-12T01:23:00.006-05:00

so i went to this concert tonight at the loft, pretty sick set up. there were around 5 or 6 bands there but we only caught the last three, all of which i was highly impressed. definitely well worth $5. the first band we heard, they we called the four kicks, and if i do say so myself, they kicked! they are actually a band out of nashville in the middle of a mini-tour and decided to stop and play there. i was highly impressed. the last band was eikon (i went to school with all these guys) they had a sick show. they always do, i am so impressed at the amount of talent there. very impressive. i would highly recommend you check out both of those bands.

so i really wrote this blog because i realize that, that is my crowd. i love music, it is absolutely a big part of my life. you can express so much through music. there is such a talent behind each instrument and it is so beautiful.

just thought i would share that with yall.

hope everyone is having a beautiful night.

khris stillman

coffee with a friend...

2008-04-11T17:28:00.003-05:00

i had coffee with a friend last night, and it was very refreshing. as we sat there and caught up, i was reminded of how beautiful life really is when we engage in real, honest, caring conversations with one another. when we sit down and honestly care to hear about what is new and what are the struggles and we strive to hash out life and meaning and truth through a conversation.

when we take a moment to love a little.

life is beautiful.

live. love. be.
stillman

rain...

2008-04-03T15:37:00.002-05:00

i love the rain!

i am one of those people where this weather excites me... i woke up and knew it was going to be a lovely day because it was rainy out.

very relaxing.

just god taking care of his planet.

be.
stillman

it's time...

2008-04-03T14:38:00.003-05:00

it's time that we leave the shallow water.

it's time that we stop observing things from the surface and that we reach down, lift up a rock and explore the mysteries.

it's time that you question everything you think you thought you knew. because you may find that what you thought was truth was in reality just an illusion.

n.t. wright once said, "i have come to learn that 70% of what i think i thought i knew was wrong."

it's time that you stop living in a right versus wrong mentality and start living in brokenness and love.

it's time to take responsibility.

it's time to live.

be.
stillman

static 2...

2008-04-02T13:44:00.001-05:00

the difference in understanding creates the static in communication...

stillman

static...

2008-04-02T11:24:00.005-05:00

"you can't hear if you think you've already heard..."

are you listening?
or
is everything falling on deaf ears?

what is getting lost in the static?

how are you communicating?

be open...explore the opportunities...don't miss out on life.

live.
stillman

conversations...

2008-04-01T00:07:00.006-05:00

tonight as i sat down to dive into some nasty homework, i was reminded of the important things in life. the relationships and conversations that we have.

how are our conversations with others?
do they mean anything to you?
are they authentic?
do you really care?

i once heard that the conversations we have in life reflect our relationship with god. thus if we are having shallow conversations with people, our relationship with god is shallow at best. how can we love on people if we are not dipping into love itself with the one who taught us what love really means, agape love.

i realized that up until now, i lived in the shallow end of the water, i was not interested in the messy conversations. i regret not living life with friends and simply loving on them.

are you loving on people daily?

how are your conversations?

live.
love.
be.

stillman

school...

2008-03-28T14:06:00.003-05:00

so this semester i decided to enroll myself back in school because i have to finish sometime. so i enrolled in st. charles community college which i figured would be easy, quick, and freeing as possible...i was wrong. school is school, there is still homework, still thought involved and still time needed. it's just a headache.

so i wrote this because on monday i have to present a speech in my speech class and i am having the hardest time coming up with a topic. i think my problem is my sort of OCD attitude. I'm worried about impressing everyone in the class, including the teacher, and i just want the students to enjoy my presentation. so every idea that i come up with, i always find a way to shoot it down. not creative enough. not funny enough. not entertaining enough. etc. i think i need to just come up with something and stick to it. confidence will get me a good grade. i just have to commit to it.

committed.
stillman

2008-02-24T12:38:00.001-06:00

I just joined the To Write Love On Her Arms Street Team and I am so stoked! Just thought I would tell yall that!

I feel contagious...

2008-01-08T16:21:00.000-06:00

Contagious is so commonly used and referred to as a bad thing... Someone becomes sick, and they are contagious, and all of the sudden there is someone I need to stay far away from for a while... What kind of theory is that? I'll tell you right now, it's not bad to be contagious... In fact, I want to surround myself with people that are contagious because I want to be contagious. No of course I'm not talking about spreading sickness and disease all over the place and that's what we need to do and everything... But there are other ways to be contagious that aren't so bad. In fact, this kind of contagious is something that we should want to pursue.

So what does it mean to be contagious? (In a healthy way of course)

Well as I looked up the definition for contagious, just to go a little deeper, I ran across some synonyms... One of the first synonyms for contagious was communicable... Catch this, communicable is defined as easily being communicated of talkative... So let me ask you something, when you are around your friends and living life, is it easily communicated who you are? Do people look at you and say, that person right there has purpose.

Are you communicable?

Do people know what you stand for?

Is it easily communicated that you live for God?

Are you contagious?

Be.
Stillman

What happened?

2008-01-06T01:57:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was reminded of the reality of life... And it pains my heart so much. For some reason, I am reminded that as I write this blog, somewhere in this world, many children are dieing because they don't have food, or they don't have homes, so they aren't healthy. And right now somewhere out there someone is crying for help, right this instance, crying for substance, crying for love and attention. Weeping for what only God can give them.

Tonight I was simply reminded of the broken world that we live in. We are all broken, each and everyone of us. And tonight all my prayers and pain goes out to the ones who need it the most, the hurting children, the crying people, the ones who are struggling, the ones who need life. Tonight I hurt for everyone who is suffering.

God is enough.

I believe in you.

It's going to be okay.

Love.
Stillman

This World Has Nothing For Me...

2007-12-16T00:03:00.000-06:00

This world has nothing for me...

Can we honestly say we believe that?
Do we live like we honestly believe that?
What does it look like to live life as if this world has nothing for us?

This is one of my favorite worship songs... but yet I find myself having trouble singing it, because honestly... I don't live as if this world has nothing for me. I want to believe this world has nothign for me, but why can't I? Why do I continue to live for the things of this world? Why do I fall into my pattern of comfort?

You are the source of light,
I can't be left behind,
No one else will do,
I will take hold of you,
I need you Jesus,
To come to my rescue,
Where else can I go?
There's no other name
By which I am saved,
Capture me with grace,
I will follow you.

THIS WORLD HAS NOTHING FOR ME!

Be.
Stillman

Your Life Tells A Story...Is It Real?

2007-12-12T21:11:00.000-06:00

Your life tells a story way better than your words ever will. How many times have you heard it said that it all comes down to life? But yet, how true is that statement..How so true is it... And yet how often have you realized, wait a second, my life is not matching up with my words. I am saying one thing and living the antithesis of it.

The reason we fail to live out this life, the reason we fall short of the lifestyle we want to pursue is because we want healing first; we are all so desperately searching for purpose in life. We want healing, we can’t go on mission trips, we can’t show up this Wednesday night or this Sunday morning because we need to heal first. We need to get our lives back in order first. But we miss it…

Healing comes when we give ourselves first to God, and then to humanity. If we don’t give our lives to God, life won’t make sense. How often do we pray for clarity? We must give our lives FULLY to God first… then comes healing, then comes clarity… Then comes Life. God tells us, when you give your strength away, I’ll become your strength; when you give your life away… I’ll become your life. Did you catch that? I’LL BECOME YOUR LIFE. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him! So let me ask you something…

If our lives don’t match up with our words… WHAT IS THE POINT???

Live Life and in the midst of all the bitterness, and darkness, and awful times… Let God Be God.

Let God Be God.

Live.
Stillman

Love Is A Response

2007-12-12T10:55:00.000-06:00

Do we have what it takes to love God? Are we humanly able to? Do we have the ability to actually love God? I mean let’s be honest… the only reason why we love God, is because He loved us first. He showed us his relentless love toward us and in turn, we decided to love Him back. He first pursued us, and we then decided to pursue Him. We have desire, because God desires us, we have passion because God has passion for us. We are moved towards Jesus, because he first moved towards us. Do you have passion for God? Do you truly desire God?

Do you really love God…

Love is a response.

Love is God.

Love.
Stillman

1 John 4:8 “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

This Is Life...

2007-12-10T16:19:00.000-06:00

Sunday night I attended the Christmas Program at FBCH, and I was really impressed with the whole production. Everyone that was in it was meant to be there, they were just naturally talented and gifted at what they did; Anywhere from dancing to playing instruments to singing to even directing. It made for a good production and a good experience. As I sat there in my seat watching everyone do their part I got this immense warm, loving feeling. It’s hard to explain but I just felt as though this was what life is all about. You see, there is something about watching people at their best, watching people do what they were made to do. There is something about watching someone using the gifts and talents that God has blessed them with to bring glory to God. This is what life is all about and as I watched everyone on Sunday night I was overwhelmed with this joyous feeling, and go as far as to say that I was swept away into my own little fairy tale, my own little dream. This is what God had in mind since day one, this is what life is all about...

People doing what they were made to do for the glory of God.

This is life.

Live.
Stillman

Why don't we pray?

2007-11-13T13:47:00.000-06:00

I was asked recently why don't I pray more? Simple question but yet so profound... I sat back and immediately, naturally, humanly, I got defensive.

I pray!
What is he talking about??

Sure we all pray, especially when things are not going exactly how we want them to...But if you think about it, we are put here on this earth by a incredible creator, and we know that through prayer we can communicate with Him.

Why wouldn't we talk to Him all the time?

We are constantly pursuing this amazing relationship with our creator, but yet we feel sometimes like it is hard, he is too far away, why am I struggling? Think about when you pursue a relationship with a friend, how does the relationship get stronger? How does it build? Through talking with each other and getting to know a little more about them. You say you want this deep intimate relationship with God, why don't you talk to Him and get to know Him a little better...

You see, if we want to grow in our relationship with God our creator, we need to talk to Him. We should always be praying... Prayer never has to stop. Challenge yourself and talk to your creator on a whole different level this week.

Remember...Your relationships with others will only be as strong and deep as your relationship with God is...

Pursue God

Talk with Him

Pray.
Stillman

What are you passionate about?

2007-10-14T00:29:00.000-05:00

"When a heart believes in what it wants, passion takes over and what you are passionate about, you will have."
(Khris Stillman)

What are you passionate about?

Live.
Stillman

The World Is Sleeping

2007-10-13T01:43:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like the world has just gone silent for a moment...

I just got off of a really crazy last month or so and these past two days have been ridiculously quiet and calm. I think it is just more of a testimony of the power of God. At times it just feels like the world is relentless, you surround yourself with the right people, you think out every decision, you read your bible and you pray, but the world is still there. You still live in a broken place. But God knows when you are about to snap, he knows when you need a break and in these times it feels like the world is sleeping. Like, maybe I just figured it out, I finally got it right, and the world is not a problem anymore...

I think the problem is though that I realize I live in a broken place, but I fail to realize that I am still broken. Life feels good, I trained myself to believe I'm doing good, but I am still broken. We are all broken...

Rescue is possible...

Do you believe?

Love.

Broken.
Stillman

Do we not trust the His word?

2007-09-27T10:00:00.000-05:00

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

How is it that do we still not trust?

How do we still go through a day without knowing trusting Him in all things?

It is clear, He is greater than my biggest need...

Trust.
Khris

Are you missing it?

2007-09-17T16:02:00.000-05:00

I was reading "The Life You've Always Wanted" and the author, John Ortberg, was talking about joy and life...He said:

"I was just so used to hurrying, so preoccupied with my own little agenda, so trapped in this rut moving from one task to another, that here was life, here was joy, here was an invitation to the dance right in front of me - and I was missing it."

Are you missing the dance?

Are you missing life?

We can think of times, when we are in a hurry to get a set of things done, and we immediately go into this work mode, almost like a robot, and all that matters is what's on the agenda. All that matters is getting done what needs to be done. And as we go about this, we don't realize we are missing life...We are missing out on joy. Most of our lives is spent in what Ortberg refers to as "transit". (We're trying to get somewhere, standing in line, waiting for a meeting to end, worrying about something bad that might happen or something that did happen...) And while we live in this "transit" we miss life. It's in these moments that we are not fully present to God, we're preoccupied with ourselves.

It goes on to talk about children and how children don't miss it...Children experience life and experience joy. Children just live. You see every moment of life is pregnant with possibility and joy, it's all around us.

"Joy is at the heart of God's plan for human beings...Joy is at the heart of God himself. We will never understand the significance of joy in human life until we understand its importance to God. I suspect that most of us seriously underestimate God's capacity for joy."

So ask yourself... Are you missing it?

Live.
K

Live Like A Child

2007-09-16T22:31:00.000-05:00

What does it mean to be transparent?
Honest...Authentic...Real...Vulnerable.

Is there something deeper than being transparent?
If so what?

I was once told that to be transparent is to disclose without invitation. We can share things that are going on in life with people, but never invite them into the depths of our souls. Never invite them into the depths of who we are at our core. To disclose without invitation...

But then I was also told that to be Vulnerable is to disclose with invitation. A little different, being vulnerable means I want you close to my heart. Vulnerability shows love, care, and affection for the people around us.
Are you seeing the importance here?
I would go as far to say that if someone doesn't feel comfortable with you to be vulnerable, then we haven't done our job. How can we live and grow as a community of one if we're not willing to show love, care and affection for each other, if we're not willing to invite people into who we are...

Now obviously we can't expect people to be vulnerable right away with us, it takes time. So be patient, but pray for vulnerability in your relationships, and ask yourself... Whats it going to take for me to be vulnerable today? Don't forget that the community is the sum of I, so we have to be individually where we need to be. But don't get too caught up on yourself there because it also takes each other. We have to be in this for each other, not ourselves.

Naturally, as humans, we want to be vulnerable, but we put up walls of "protection" of "safety" to stay away from being hurt. Think about Webster's definition of Vulnerable...to be open...
How can we be open with walls all around us? We called to be like children, children are vulnerable..their hearts are naive, they trust and love unconditionally because they know no other way...

What is it going to take for you to be vulnerable today?

Be like a child.
Khris

You can't read trust backwards...

2007-07-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day and she said something that really got me thinking...We have grown up in a world of lies and hurt and so when we meet new people we almost never just fully open up to them because we don't want to trust them. It's not tht we don't want to trust them but that we want them to gain out trust...like it's a test? What right, as human beings, as God's people, do we have to make people gain our trust? As I worked in the Youth over the summer, I found out quickly that we have trust backwards...I have to let these kids know that hey, I trust you even though I have never met you and that makes them comfortable they continue to come. Now understand, yes they are going to go back on their words sometimes and they will lie to me and they will do things that should make me lose my trust, but what makes our relationship unique is that they can never lose my trust. They may continue to use me, they may continue to lie to me, they may continue to wrong me, but I will always still be there for them. (Obviously at some point there comes a time when you have to have a conversation with them, but it won't change the way I treat them.) That type of relatinoship is the type that keeps them coming, that keeps them going, that makes them feel comfortable enough to open up with me. It's the type of relationship that they get taught about everyday, it's living as a Christ like example. Why can't we all live life like that woth everyone else? Can you imagin what life would be like, what community would be like if we all trusted eachother and lived a little more like Christ.
Trust.
K

You Could Be Someone's Angel

2007-07-18T23:41:00.000-05:00

One thing that I will never froget from this trip was Rah...Rah is this little girl that was absolutely attached to me the whole time... I loved being around her because not only was she unbelievably adorable...but she was so happy. I remember when we got there Pastor Mata, who is incharge of the Churches, he said when we come down here, it is bigger than Christmas to them...This is the most exciting time of year for them...As I think about it, they probably look at us as their angel's...My question is though...

What does it mean to be an angel?

If I could I would have brought Rah back home with me...I may have been like an angel to her but she was more like an angel to me because I have never felt so much joy loking into a baby's eyes...When I looked into her eyes, it was just a look of happiness, it wasnt just a look of love...it was so much more. I had known her for less than a day and she was already looking into my eyes with complete and udder trust. She was already saying to me hold me and never let go...she had faith and believed in me to care for her and love on her...She knew that I was going to protect her for the time I was with her.

Why don't I look to God like this?

I know he will always be there. I know he will always love me. I know he will always take care of me. But yet I struggle sometimes, after knowing God for years, to look at Him and say I trust and believe in you completely. My faith is lacking and I find myself constantly looking to stretch it. I know God and love him, but yet I still struggle getting lost in his deep intimacies. I'm standing in the foyer and I have a hand full of keys to all the doors of oppurtunity, yet I am afraid to move from this comfort I am in. I feel too safe in the foyer and so I am too comfortable.

How comfortable are you?

And know...You could be someone's angel too.

Be.

Reflection

2007-07-16T10:52:00.000-05:00

Mexico was an experience that we will all remember...Never has a team come together like ours did this past week... Things happened on this trip that just don't happen in everyday life and a community was created... We were all apart of something that was bigger than us and it shaped each one of our lives. I know personally I realized how strong prayer is on this trip and even more so I realized how powerful prayer is in a community...Just being able to look out for eachother as we live life for God and rely on one another to keep us going...This is how life should be. As the week went on God continued to amaze me just working in the most unusual abnormal ways and it continued to draw us even closer to Him as well as eachother. If only life could just be a constant mission trip...

We become what we tolerate.
K

Are you indistractable?

2007-06-28T22:28:00.001-05:00

Tonight at the Mexico Training meeting, the focus was on, what do you expect to get from this trip? If you go into the trip not expecting anything, you won't get anything. We need to be well prepared for the adventure we are about to embark in...As I thought about whats about to all happen it came together quite fast... We leave for Mexico in 8 days and I certainly am not ready yet. I feel as though I am distracted and not completely focused...In order to be prepared for this trip, this adventure, in order to gain the most from the experience, I am going to have to eliminate all distractions. My goal these next 8 days before we leave is to buckle down, it's game time. These next 8 days are going to be distraction free and God focused 100%.

What distractions do you need to eliminate?

Be Indistractable.
K

The Journey Begins...

2007-06-26T00:34:00.000-05:00

God is really taking me on an interesting journey lately. Ever since we have returned form camp, God has been tugging on my heart with issues in my life, speicifically living life as a disciple.
I have been quesitoning things like:

What does it really take to be a disciple?
What are the mountains of doubt in my way?
What distractions are keeping me from the deep intimacies of God?

My life is really taking a twist lately and it is for the better, but at times it makes me wonder. I have never felt the Holy Spirit's presence so alive in me as I am now, I have never had a tugging on my heart like I am now, and at times it makes me just flat out nautious. Last Sunday I walked into Chruch Service and when I walked in, I immediately became sick to my stomach because my heart literally starting acheing. God starting speaking out loud to me. the message was ver clear, everyone in here, everyone in our community is living life like a Christain. I am included in this, and so like I said I have been really working on living as a disciple, I'm ready for a big God movement in our church. And so the Journey begins, and I am a disciple following God all the way, every way, swimming in the deep intimacies of Him.

Believe,
K

Deep Thinking...

2007-06-22T20:32:00.000-05:00

What is holding you from God?

Who is God to you?

Who are you to God?

Who are you to each other?

Where is the abnormal?

2007-06-22T20:13:00.000-05:00

When was the last time something abnormal happened to you?

When was the last time that something so weird happened to you that it was out of your ability to explain?

There is an amazing section in Numbers 22:21 where the abnormal happens to Blaam....Something that was so weird, it was out of his ability to explain.
You see, Blaam has angered God and decided to continue on his way against God, so he mounts up on his donkey and begins to head off, well to make a long story short, God enabled the donkey to see the angels of the Lord stopping Blaam from heading down the road, so the donkey would not budge forward. Well Blaam got angry and began to beat his donkey and it was at this moment that God made the abnormal happen...The donkey immediately turned to Blaam and began speaking to him...
Think of all the times in the Bible where God makes the abnormal happen, from healing a blind man with mud, to walking on water, there are countless accounts. So my question for you is, when was the last time the abnormal happened to you?
The thing is, the abnormal is always around us, but if we never acknowledge it, we will never grow in our spiritual walk. We work in this way that says, "Everything is okay, as long as it is far enough away from me, not too close...But when it happens to us, it's not only abnormal but it's scary. Reaity is, the abnormal is not scary, it can be shocking, but it's not scary, God intended it to happen. Our fault is that we fail to cry out for the abnormal...

When is the last time the abnormal invaded your life?

Check this out...the word Disciple is used 596 times in the New Testament, the word Christian, is only used once...Reason being, Christian was a deragatory term that was given to the disciples by the Romans. Here is the truth, the majority of us deserve the title Christian, simply becasue we live like one, our problem is, we need to live like disciples. The abnormal happens to the disciples, the ones that are fully devoted to their creator, the ones that are simply swimming in the deep intimacies with God.

Are you a disciple?

Live,
K

The Christian Ghetto

2007-06-22T20:10:00.000-05:00

Monday 2:56pm
I was listening to Travis speak this morning at a Bible Study and he said a few things that got my wheels turning. The overall theme this week is exhale, which I talked about a little in my last blog, but this morning he broke it down a little further. If you think about it, breathing is a natural thing; we were not taught how to breathe. It’s not something that our parents have to teach us, breathing just what we do; when you inhale you automatically exhale. As we go through life, our goal should be to pursue who God is, when we do things, we should inhale who God is. Just as breathing is natural, if we are inhaling who God is, we will naturally exhale what we take in. If you think about breathing for a second, when we are in a room with people, we are all breathing the same air, the air that we inhale was exhaled from someone else in the room and some point. Other people around us are breathing in what we breathe out, so make sure what your breathing out is the Spirit of God. We have to be careful here though, because in the same aspect the world is breathing out all kinds of bad, that can easily make us sick or infect us. The world breathes out all kinds of messages to try and tear us apart, it will send out messages saying, girls you have to look like this, guys you have to do this to become a man, and so on, and we have to be careful to not breathe in what can harm us.
So how do we exhale the aroma of Christ and not inhale the messages of the world?
Here is where most Christians take the wrong step, including myself. We become over protective and we place ourselves in this safe-bubble, thus we are away from the world and no bad will harm us. We have a tendency, as Christians, to just hang out with each other. This could not be any more contradicting…We are commanded to go and make disciples, but yet we don’t leave the Christian realm. We are told by Paul in 1 Corinthians to hang out with people who don’t know God, now of course there are people we should not surround ourselves with, for instance we should stay away from people who call themselves “Christians” and then continue to be sexually immoral and so on. We just have to be careful. We still wonder though, is the world going to influence us or are we going to influence the world? The answer is simple…both. No matter how you look at it, we will always be influenced in some way the question is…
Who will have the greater influence?
Is the message that we are exhaling drawing people closer to God or pushing them further away? The world’s problem with Christians is that we are telling them to inhale what we are exhaling yet we are not willing to live it out ourselves. So ask yourself…

Is the message your exhaling match up with your lifestyle?

BE.
K

How WIll You Respond?

2007-06-22T20:09:00.001-05:00

Sunday 11:32pm
Today was the start of THEE Camp for High School and Middle School…When we first arrived things didn’t exactly go as planned and we were caught off guard and almost even felt betrayed a little. Well this set me off and it set off all the leaders and our attitudes, mine alike, were not how they should have been. We were upset about how things turned out and responded negatively. We forgot about our reason for coming to camp and became very self focused. I forgot that I am not here for me, this is not about me, I got lost in myself and reacted rather inappropriately. From this point on I had made it very hard for me to enjoy the opening ceremonies and everything that followed. I never really came around until the worship service at night. Right before the worship service Freddy and I stepped outside to just pray for his and mine attitudes because we responded in the wrong manner. Well as the service went on, there was worship and then Matt got up and spoke about two things that we are called to do. The first and most important is to Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul and secondly to Love others. Well his theme was breathing and as we read our sword we should be inhaling God’s word and learning how to Love God more each day and in turn exhaling what we learn to others in love. It made a lot of sense to me and it was one of those moments where it all clicked. In order to live life we need to breathe and in order to breathe we need to inhale and exhale, we can’t just always inhale or always exhale, it’s a joint process. As he finished up I realized, I could really use a fresh breath of air, in the actions that I showed and in how I responded earlier I was not breathing properly and thus not living properly and in turn not loving God. We need to watch our actions and how we act in situations because people are watching and we are always influencing, the question is, is it positive influence or negative influence?

How will you respond?

Live,
K

Last Minute

2007-06-17T00:39:00.000-05:00

Well I leave for camp in six hours and I just signed myself up about thirty minutes ago. This past week has been ridiculously busy, it just seems like I am running from one place to the next. Not too much down time...Even though it has been so hectic, I have to say there was not much about this past week that I didn't like. I learned so much from God and grew a lot with the people around me. Up until today I have not felt much pressure to get things done, just busy work mostly. But today it started to crumble I guess you could say...Today started out with a Morning Meeting at Best Buy at 8:00am until 11:00am and then I came home and had enough time to get ready for the day and eat, then had to go pick up some toys for Ryder's Birthday Party from 1:00pm until 4:00pm. Then after Ryder's party I had to head over to Erica's party from 4:00pm until 11:00pm, meanwhile during that time I had to make it up to Best Buy to get my Father his Father's Day gift, because I will be gone on Father's Day. Then I came home to finally prepare for camp, just eight hours before we depart. Today I learned an important lesson and it was that, I need to watch my time more carefully and do my best to plan ahead. If I fail to do so, then I will be stressed out as I am tonight.

Much Love,
K

Rally At The Ranch

2007-06-16T01:21:00.000-05:00

Tonight was the second Rally at the Ranch get together out at El Shaddi Ranch, and it was my first time ever being there. The Robbie Seay Band came out to lead worship and did an amazing job. It was simply a worship underneath the stars and a time to worship the creator out in his creation. It was amazing...Mark Sikma brought a message on RE:pentance and God really spoke to me. It is way too often that I find myself saying, "Okay God, I'm sorry, I'm changing now..." and then I do it again. I can think of sins in my life that are common sins for me. Things that I always talk about changing and stopping, but never do.... can you relate? I need to turn 180 degrees from my sin and start walking in a straight line towards the cross. I need to not just turn part of me away, so that I can remain satisfied by the world, but that I need to turn all of me away and turn my focus to the cross and repent. God just really spoke to me tonight and being able to have just a night of raw worship under the stars was amazing. It was exactly what I needed.